The Tsunami of Love

About seven months ago, my life changed overnight.

I didn't nearly die in a tragic car accident. I didn't get diagnosed with a fatal disease. No, I faced the biggest fear that I had, even bigger than facing my own inevitable demise: my husband had a stroke.

At age 50, just short of his 51st birthday by six months, he suffered a life-threatening stroke that nearly robbed him of his life, but instead took his physical vitality, his ability to smile, his ability to speak, to walk, to talk intelligibly, to bath himself, to use his right arm, to feed himself, to read, to write, to be the man that I have come to depend on so assuredly. I told him once that he always made me feel safe. Now I was the one who would have to be his safe haven.

We were determined from the beginning to let this life-changing event make us better people. I think in some ways we have, but in many ways, I don't really recognize the landscape of my life any longer. I feel so confused when we try to converse. I can't seem to remember how it used to be but I know that the way it is now is just off, wrong, hard. I try to do the best that I can, but he is often argumentative, lecturing me as if I'm a handicapped child. I feel battered by his words, and then I lash out, and I'm so ashamed of myself for it. I tell myself that he can't help it, but I know that this isn't really true. What is true is that it is very hard for him to edit himself. He reacts, and then wonders at my back-lash. Meanwhile, I try desperately to remain calm. I try not to react, but to listen, and to laugh and to encourage. I'm failing here, but I have learned to pray like never before. I pray in moans and cries, in snatches, in the bathroom, in the car, on my neighbor's back porch when they are out of town (they have given me permission, God bless them!) I'm too tired to recount it all here, but I have a new understanding for others who have gone through stroke recovery. I know he's gotten better, is getting better. I pray for a full recovery. And yet under all of that, if I'm honest, I wonder if he ever will be back. I've begun to think not, but I don't want to think that. I want to believe that it can be better.

I think about all of those radiant figures that we hear about and read about who seem to have pulled it all together no matter what. I want to be one of those people who is strong and courageous. I realize how hard that is to do when your world has crashed around you.

Let me talk about what is going so good, though. I truly believe that God has brought us through this time. I'm so assured that He has provided for us all that we've needed, poured out, over-flowing. It's amazing to me when I look at all the ways that He has taken care of us. I can't explain it. We're far from perfect people. But we've have so trusted Him through all of this, and asked Him to help us through it. All I can tell you is that He has. And this in fact is what I'm assured about when it comes to facing this present difficulty. Nothing can stand in the face of the love of God. It's more powerful than any force, and stronger than any illness. He is making something beautiful out of the ashes of our lives. I know that He is because I know that He is faithful to us. He will not let us go. And I'm reminded of the power of His overwhelming love when I'm facing problems getting along with my beloved husband, my best friend who I don't really know any more. I know it's sad, but I can't hang out there. Besides, I'm caught up in the power of the love that sustaineth me.

Peace. Out.