The Tsunami of Love

About seven months ago, my life changed overnight.

I didn't nearly die in a tragic car accident. I didn't get diagnosed with a fatal disease. No, I faced the biggest fear that I had, even bigger than facing my own inevitable demise: my husband had a stroke.

At age 50, just short of his 51st birthday by six months, he suffered a life-threatening stroke that nearly robbed him of his life, but instead took his physical vitality, his ability to smile, his ability to speak, to walk, to talk intelligibly, to bath himself, to use his right arm, to feed himself, to read, to write, to be the man that I have come to depend on so assuredly. I told him once that he always made me feel safe. Now I was the one who would have to be his safe haven.

We were determined from the beginning to let this life-changing event make us better people. I think in some ways we have, but in many ways, I don't really recognize the landscape of my life any longer. I feel so confused when we try to converse. I can't seem to remember how it used to be but I know that the way it is now is just off, wrong, hard. I try to do the best that I can, but he is often argumentative, lecturing me as if I'm a handicapped child. I feel battered by his words, and then I lash out, and I'm so ashamed of myself for it. I tell myself that he can't help it, but I know that this isn't really true. What is true is that it is very hard for him to edit himself. He reacts, and then wonders at my back-lash. Meanwhile, I try desperately to remain calm. I try not to react, but to listen, and to laugh and to encourage. I'm failing here, but I have learned to pray like never before. I pray in moans and cries, in snatches, in the bathroom, in the car, on my neighbor's back porch when they are out of town (they have given me permission, God bless them!) I'm too tired to recount it all here, but I have a new understanding for others who have gone through stroke recovery. I know he's gotten better, is getting better. I pray for a full recovery. And yet under all of that, if I'm honest, I wonder if he ever will be back. I've begun to think not, but I don't want to think that. I want to believe that it can be better.

I think about all of those radiant figures that we hear about and read about who seem to have pulled it all together no matter what. I want to be one of those people who is strong and courageous. I realize how hard that is to do when your world has crashed around you.

Let me talk about what is going so good, though. I truly believe that God has brought us through this time. I'm so assured that He has provided for us all that we've needed, poured out, over-flowing. It's amazing to me when I look at all the ways that He has taken care of us. I can't explain it. We're far from perfect people. But we've have so trusted Him through all of this, and asked Him to help us through it. All I can tell you is that He has. And this in fact is what I'm assured about when it comes to facing this present difficulty. Nothing can stand in the face of the love of God. It's more powerful than any force, and stronger than any illness. He is making something beautiful out of the ashes of our lives. I know that He is because I know that He is faithful to us. He will not let us go. And I'm reminded of the power of His overwhelming love when I'm facing problems getting along with my beloved husband, my best friend who I don't really know any more. I know it's sad, but I can't hang out there. Besides, I'm caught up in the power of the love that sustaineth me.

Peace. Out.

Working it out

Thank the good Lord for sweat! I don't know what other people do when they feel stress, fatigue, boredom, and just life in general if they don't find tme to sweat every day. I am so thankful for my exercise class, and my instructor, who is such an inspiration to us all. I may ot be able to do all the contortions that we squeeze ourselves into, but I sure try. And I feel strangely satisfied when I finish, as if I've accomplished something, which I have. I've increased my heartrate, I've strengthened my muscles, I've laughed at myself, and I've let go of tension. I'm combating my famliy's legacy of heart problems and diabetes, too. I'm fighting belly fat! I've already lost several inches in my middle over the past two months, which is incredible to me. And the best news is that my husband noticed! woo-hoo!!

For me, working out is another way I have of working my life out. When I was younger, I would go to the gym, for hours, to do the treadmill, then the weight machines, then the free-weights. It was a couple of hours a day, several days a week. I found that it was for the most part exhausting, and for some reason, not very effective for me. Maybe I was working too hard, or maybe I wasn't working smart. Now, I go at least three times a week, hopefully more this next month, workout for an hour, hang with some nice women, and get a cardio, strength-training and stretching work-out all in one. It's amazingly simple. I feel great. And I have to say that for a woman my age to say that she "loves" working out, that's pretty cool.

It isn't that I'm a "jock" type woman, either. Anyone who knows me finds it kind of amazing that I love to go camping, too. I stop what I'm doing if I break a nail, for goodness sake! But I think what really makes me grateful for my workout time is how I feel after. Sometimes, during a workout, I wonder, "What the heck was I thinking? This is HARD!!!" But after, I feel that floaty, glowy (is that a word?) feeling that just feels so smoothe. It's a chilled out kind of high. Maybe it's just the endorphins kicking in, but I'd rather think of it this way: my body is saying "thanks!" for taking better care of myself!

One thing is for sure: working out regularly has become a renewed habit that makes me feel empowered and functioning stronger than before. I'm working it out by working out.

Fighting Back

There's no time like right now to start. I refuse to accept the idea that we are suddenly in bad economic times. I will not spend one second trying to stiff a waitress, or to stop shopping for what my family needs, or to bemoan the fact that the stores seem empty. Ok, maybe we're in a recession. It isn't the frst time, and won't be the last. But the ebb and flow of the economy is just a simple fact of life. I don't want a handout, and I don't think government spending is the answer to any of our problems. We need to work hard, save money, plan ahead, and enjoy each day that we are blessed to have life on this earth. I for one think we spend too much energy worrying about things we can't control while neglecting to focus on those things that really matter: worship of our God, loving others, and serving one another. That's how I plan to fight back!